The Illiterate, Corny, Sappy, Fluffy Legend
by jiminycricketX
Summary: Critics everywhere are talking about 'The Illiterate, Corny, Sappy, Fluffy Legend.' They call it 'funny, imaginative,'and even 'Lifechanging.' JiminycricketX is one of the worlds most motivational writers. A must read! Completed.
1. Authors notes

**Author's Notes**

Hello, and welcome to this fanfiction. I am the infamous and illustrious Jiminy Cricket X. Over the years I have studied a certain genre of romance fanfiction. Such poorly written, sappy, completely misinformed romance stories, usually referred to as 'fluff fics' are considered a plague, or better yet an internet virus, by many in the gaming society. But I find a keen interest in such female (or male) teen writings as a source for, how do you say it, kicks. My ability to find humor in such tragic excuses for reading material, has given me the idea for this tragic excuse for reading material.

I now give you, a perfect recreation of the best kind of 'fluff fic.' A one based on, 'The Legend of Zelda' series. If you are reading this, you must know a bit about LoZ, so I won't explain much. Though I will tell you that I guarantee that this subject has been thoroughly researched.

As it seems most common for Loz fluff-fics to be sequels to the famous 'Ocarina of Time' game, that will be when this fic shall be based. And as it seems that seventy percent of fluff fics revolve around Link and Zelda, whereas only twenty percent revolve around Malon and Link, and about ten percent around every other girl in LoZ history, I have decided to write this as a Zelink (Zelda + Link) fluff fic. Of course as with any bad FF (fluff fic) I will be sure to use modern teen terms like 'date' and 'sucks,' words that wouldn't be used in a medieval style kingdom, unless you were referring to a large raisin, or what you are doing when you inhale. To further note, I will be sure that if there is any none love related action at all in this story, it shall revolve around the main love interest, Zelda of course, getting captured, and the hero, Link, having to rescue her. And of course, as with any good LozFF, (you can figure that one out on your own) Link will have all weapons that he ever gathered in any game at his disposal. And furthermore, I plan to terribly connect several different games and their characters in a way that makes no sense whatsoever, to further create the illusion of poorly thought out authenticity. And of course, all female characters will be head over heels in love with Link, in a very teenish, a guy from NSync just winked at me kind of way. And to top all this terror off, I'll throw the return of Ganondorf in, just to, how do you say it? "Shake things up."

Now, without any further ado, I give you...

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The Legend of Zelda

The Illiterate, Corny, Sappy, Fluffy Legend

JiminycricketX


	2. Illiterate

_Hello, it is I, the Seclusive and Scholarly Jiminy Cricket X. You may not know this, but that bit of writing in the authors notes was probably some of the best writing I've ever done. And what you are about to read, is probably some of the worst writing I've ever done. A perfect irony, I must say. Now I forgot mention in the authors notes, that I will not be revising this story. All miss-spellings, typos, and grammatical errors shall be left the way they are, to further give the readers a feeling of complete authenticity. This tale is not meant for control freaks, and those obsessed with the use of proper English. This shall be the last chance for mothers who compulsively correct the spelling in their teens creative writings, to turn away. If you are reading this on a computer, the small X in the corner of the screen will exit this story, or if you are online, on the toolbar there is the icon that spells 'BACK.' Clicking on this several times will take you out of this story and back to the main page of the website that you are viewing. However, if you are a juvenile, and aren't annoyed by spelling errors and bad descriptions, then read on, my friend. Read on._

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Chapter 1 Illiterate

Zelda was excited. She was excited because she was going out on a date with Link today. Link was the hero of hyrule. He saved hyrule of an evil gerudo named Ganondof. She thought link was the most handsome man in hyrule and was so happy that he had chosen her to go out with. THe last time she saw malon dshe haqd rubbed it her face a lot. she liked making malon jealous even thoough they were friends. she was suer that malon took it all lightly because that was how she acted. but actually she loved link as Much as Zelda did. She hated Zzelda becase she believed that she had stolen Link way from her. But she never said that because zelda was a princess, and she couldnt say she hated her. Actualy all the girls in hyrule loved link. Zelda felt like the luckiest girl in hyrule. mean while link was Getting prepared for the big night. they were going to go on a picknic in hyrule field, and then go down to lake hylia to watch the sunset. Link wore his Zora tunic, because it was the cleanest at the time. He thought about what to bring incase they were attqacked by monsters. this was a special night for Zelda and he thought it wouldn't be right to bring a weapon, but he hid his boomerang and his broken gorons knife into his bag along with zeldas present just in case. he was ready.

Link and zelda sat in the field on a blanket. they had a picnic of cuckoo sandwiches and lon-lon milk and were now just lying in they grass, watching clouds. zelda laid on links shoulder. Link hugged her with one arm. "I love you Link." Zelda said. "i love you too" link nsaid. THhey sat for hours just enjoying each others company. they didnt now that malon and saria and nabooru and ruto were watching from behind a hill. "Who does Zelda think she is stealing my future husband." Ruto said? "Your future husband. how do you now not my future husband?" saria said. "Because your a little girl" said nabooru. "I should be the one who marries linlk." but your too o;ld for him! said malon. "I'm closest to his age, AND im a hyrulean like him.' 'but he was engeged to me" said ruto. "But your a fish" said nabooru. They argued for a wile until they realized that link and zedla were gone.

Link and Zelda walked along the path to hyrule castle. It wa a starry night. Zelda had begun to shiver so link offered her rocs cape to her so she could stay warm. "THank you for the date Link." Zelda said. "No, thank you." said Link. zelda stopped him and kissed him on the lips. ther kiss was interupted by evil laughing. "HAHAHA!" Link turned. there stood ganondorf. "I thought you were in the sacred realm." Link said. "I escaped, and I destroyed the spiritual stones, now you cant open the door of time and get the master sword again." Ganondorf said. "Oh no!" said Zelda. Ganondorf charged up a ball of electricity and threw irt at zelda. She used the power of rocs cape to jump. the ball hit the ground where she used to be standing. He then threw on at Link. He pulled out his gorons knife and hit it back. ganondorf knocked the ball back with his cape. They knocked it back and forth until Ganondorf missed and it hit him. Link grabbed for his light arrows, but he didn't bring them. "Oh crap." Link said. "Don't worry Link." said Zelda. "I brought my bow." Zelda pulled out her bow and charged up a zap bolt. she shot it at Ganondorf. It stunned him. Link ran over and hit him a few times with his gorons knife. Ganondorf suddenly turned into a giant pig monster. Link rolled between his legs and slashed at his tail but missed because the gorons knife was so short. Gannon whiped him with his tail and link fell over. Ganon grabbed Zelda and dissapeared. "ZELDA!" Link yelled. but she was gone.


	3. Corny

_Hello, it is I, the Mystic and Mysterious Jiminy Cricket X. The previous chapter was an example of a completely illiterate author's FF. Coming up now is an example of an unstudied type of fluff fic. The kind of fluff fic that has the words 'I don't own Legend of Zelda' before the actual story. Though this won't be as poorly written as the previous chapter, the 'corniness' might make you want to want to 'up chuck.' As is the norm of such fics, the master sword will be redrawn, in a very corny sounding way. Characters like Shiek who, as anyone who actually played the game will know is Zelda in disguise, will make an appearance as his own character. And Medli and Makar, who everyone knows don't appear until after Hyrule has been covered by vast seas, will also appear. Again I will inform you that it isn't too late to turn back now. But if you so wish you may read on._

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Chapter 2 Corny

Link awoke groggily. Over him leaned a masked face.

"Shiek!" Link exclaimed.

"Hello Link." Shiek said in his mysterious way. Link sat up.

"Where's Zelda?" Link exclaimed. Shiek shook his head.

"Ganon took her." He replied. Link fell back down.

"I can't defeat Ganon. He destroyed the spiritual stones, now I can't get back to the master sword."

"That's not true, I can teach you a warp song that will take past the door of time." Link sat up again.

"Really? Teach me!" Shiek pulled out his harp and played the song. Link played it back on his ocarina. He was instantly transported to the Temple of Time. Suddenly all of the sages, not including Zelda appeared. Rauru, Saria, Darunia, Ruto, Nabooru, Impa, Medli, and Makar all stood there.

"You can't draw the sword." Rauru said. "You'll be sent seven years into the future again." Link took his hand away from the handle.

"I forgot." He said.

"Don't worry," Said Medli. "Together we can make it so you don't go into the future again." All the sages lifted their hands and the master sword glowed.

"Hurry and take the blade!" Said Impa. Link pulled the sword out, but he didn't fall asleep this time. He was ready to go fight Ganon. He played a warp song on his ocarina and went outside. Shiek was waiting for him.

"Ganon will be on death mountain, at his castle." Shiek said.

"Thank you." Link replied. He went outside of Castle town and pulled out of his Ocarina. He played Epona's song and Epona came running. He jumped onto Epona's back and rode her to Kakariko Village. Link jumped off and ran into the village. Then he remembered that he could just warp to the top of the mountain. He pulled out his ocarina and played the Bolero of Fire. He was warped to the fire temple.

"CRAP!" Link shouted. He was still wearing his Zora tunic, and he couldn't survive the heat without the Gorons tunic. But he left it at his house in the Kokiri forest. He had an Idea. Pulling out the rod of seasons he used it to change the season to winter. Now it was much cooler. He jumped on the bean platform he had grown and road it to the top of the mountain. He ran up to the castle on the top of the mountain. He drew his sword and went inside.


	4. Sappy

_If you've made it this far, congratulations. I am, as you know, the renowned Jiminy Cricket X. Thus far I have covered poorly written and poorly thought out, unstudied for Fluff fics. Coming up is probably the most common type. Sappy fluff fics. Though these are usually bogged down in immense amounts of romantic banter, there is usually language and violence as well. I won't tell you can turn back now because you've probably figured that out._

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**Chapter 3 Sappy**_

Link was confronted by a line of Lizalfoes. They all bore blades made of steel and small bucklers. Link wasn't going to let them stop him. He was driven by the anger that he let the woman he loved get captured by so vile a beast as Ganon. He tore through the Lizalfoes, leaving none alive. He ran up the winding stairs of the castle, slaying any beast that got in his way. He reached the doors of Ganon's throne room and threw them open. Ganon had returned to his regular Gerudo form. Link's eyes scanned the room for the princess. She was tied to a pillar, and her head was hung limply.

"GANON!" Link challenged.

"So, you have come for your girlfriend." He said, turning, a sinister grin on his face. "Good, you have played right into my hand. I shall now defeat you and have my vengeance."

"DAMN YOU GANON!" Link screamed. "Release Zelda!" Ganon drew his sword.

"I won't release her. If you defeat me you can release her yourself. When I win, I will kill her, and my collection of the triforce shards shall be complete, now fight Hero, fight for the woman you love." The battle was on. Throughout the heated duel Link thought only of Zelda. He loved her so much, he couldn't allow Ganon to harm her. With a clever low spin kick he tripped Ganon. Raising his sword he glared Ganon in the eye.

"Go to hell."

Link finished of the king of evil with one slash of the master sword. He then rushed over to the unconscious Zelda and broke her chains with a stroke from the blade of evil's bane. Slowly he lowered her head to the floor. She gradually woke up, staring into the face of her hero.

"Link... I knew you'd come." They kissed, a long passionate kiss. Later as they walked down the mountain together Link suddenly stopped.

"Zelda, I'm sorry..." He said.

"For what?"

"I let Ganon capture you, I should have tried harder to protect you."

"You couldn't help it, he was too powerful."

"Well, I don't want us ever to be torn apart like that again."

"What are you saying?" Zelda asked. Link fell to one knee.

"Zelda, I love you so much, Will you marry me?"

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Afterward

I hope you enjoyed this recreation of an accurate fluff fiction. In this story I have mocked the three main types of fluff-fiction, and I plan to mock such subjects much more in the future. It is my hope that by reading this, you too have gained a respect for the accidental humor that can be found in fluff fics. I also hope that you will branch out, and soon find humor in the mocking of soap operas, chick flicks, and romance novels as well. I'm Jiminy Cricket X saying, farewell..

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End file.
